Codependent Relationships: Takers and Caretakers

by: Margaret Paul, Ph.D.

Takers and caretakers seem to find each other. In 37 years as a counselor, this is the most common relationship dynamic I see.

Takers are often narcissistic—self-centered and hungry for attention and admiration. They try to get love, attention, approval, or sex by using anger, blame, violence, criticism, irritation, righteousness, neediness, invasive touch, invasive energy, constant talking, or emotional drama. These are both obvious and hidden forms of control.

Takers want control and fear being controlled. They resist what others want, sometimes openly and sometimes quietly. This resistance shows up as denial, defensiveness, procrastination, rebellion, irresponsibility, indifference, withdrawal, emotional numbness, rigidity, or feigned incompetence.

In a relationship, takers operate from the belief that "You are responsible for my feelings of pain and joy. It is your job to make sure that I am okay."

Caretakers believe the opposite: "I am responsible for your feelings. If I do it right, you will be happy, and then I will get the approval I need." They set aside their own needs to meet the needs of others, even when those others can take care of themselves. Caretakers give from fear, not love. They give to get.

Neither takers nor caretakers take responsibility for their own feelings and wellbeing. Takers try to control others openly to get attention and admiration. Caretakers try to control situations more subtly—by being compliant, doing too much, or hiding their own wants and opinions—to get approval.

Because neither is taking care of themselves, both end up feeling angry, resentful, trapped, unappreciated, unseen, unloved, misunderstood, or unacknowledged.

I tell my clients that when they feel this way in a relationship, it's because they expect others to give them what they aren't giving themselves. If we don't see, value, or understand ourselves, or pay attention to our own wants and needs, we'll always feel upset when others treat us the way we treat ourselves.

Codependent relationships—two takers, two caretakers, or one of each—always run into trouble. Many people leave these relationships only to find the same problems in their next one. Takers and caretakers can switch roles in different relationships or around different issues, but the problems stay the same: anger, resentment, distance, lack of sexuality, boredom, and feeling unloved and unloving.

There is a way to heal this.

Relationships heal when individuals heal. When each partner does their inner work—for example, practicing the Inner Bonding process (see www.innerbonding.com for a free course)—the relationship heals. When each person takes personal responsibility for their own feelings of pain and joy, they stop blaming each other. When each person learns to fill themselves with love and share that love, instead of constantly trying to get love, the relationship heals.

Taking responsibility for your own feelings is essential to a healthy relationship. This means being aware of what you feel and understanding how you contribute to your own emotions, rather than feeling like a victim. Your feelings come from how you treat yourself and others, what you tell yourself, and what you believe—not from other people's behavior. Blaming others for your feelings creates significant relationship problems.

Start today by looking at yourself instead of your partner. You're the only one you control. You're the only one you can change.