Adult Kids Who Stay At Home

… sap your energy and undermine your independence

More adult children are living at home with their parents, often into their 20s and 30s. The reasons vary, but the pattern is clear: both adult children and their parents lose ground. The adult child doesn't develop independence. The parents don't reclaim their own lives.

For young adults who don't attend college, living arrangements have shifted. Historically, people left home to become self-sufficient. Now many stay, or return, to live with their parents as adults.

The situation

Mike is 25. He graduated from high school six years ago and still talks about going back to college. He has about 60 credits at the local university but seems more interested in his part-time waiter job and hanging out with friends. At his current pace, he'll graduate around age 32.

When asked about a full-time job, Mike says, "What happens when I go back to school?" His grades are barely passing. He's not serious about school and not serious about work.

Mike has tried renting apartments several times, but something always derails him. Even when he's living on his own, he shows up at his parents' house regularly. He raids the refrigerator, eats a full meal, and often leaves with leftovers. The rest of the time he survives on pizza, discounted work meals, and ramen.

His mother worries about his nutrition. She also enjoys knowing he loves her cooking.

His longest apartment stint has been nine months. He always returns home, and each time he comes back, he expects a little more freedom and fewer responsibilities.

Mike calls himself an adult, so his parents stopped enforcing curfews years ago. His apartment lifestyle has followed him home. Friends come by at all hours or he stays out until early morning, then sleeps until two in the afternoon before work. His father sees him mostly on weekend afternoons when Mike wakes up late for breakfast.

His mother spends her mornings cleaning up his mess from the night before and sneaking into his room to collect dirty clothes for laundry. Otherwise his room smells. She shakes her head and tells herself Mike will grow out of it someday.

Mike shows his mother little respect. He talks back, ignores her requests, and has little time for her unless he's smoothing things over after a mistake or asking her to do something for him. He's charming when he wants her to run errands.

He spends most of his free time with friends. Family is always last. Church is out of the question—it starts too early and cuts into his weekend recovery time.

Mike has little time for his siblings except to brag about himself. That's changing now. His sisters are in their late teens, around the age of many of Mike's current friends. Most people his own age have moved on to jobs and families.

His mother doesn't like this. His sisters are picking up his attitudes and his language. But she assumes Mike wouldn't hurt them and believes family contact is always good.

Lately his mother has started making sure his sisters aren't home alone when he visits. She panics when she finds them together. This happened after she learned Mike was planning to take his older sister out drinking. She doesn't know what he's filling their heads with. Mike says she doesn't trust him, pulling out his favorite manipulation tactic.

She doesn't.

When his mother confronts him about his behavior, Mike dismisses it and blames her for not treating him like an adult. He avoids taking responsibility and regularly blames others for what happens to him.

Bosses fire him unfairly. Teachers fail him out of dislike. Police target him. Judges fine him without hearing his side. His mother bears the brunt of it. He belittles her, argues constantly, and she struggles to push back.

Mike has no schedule but is never on time. It's become a family joke. It's also likely why he's been fired from so many jobs. He's always behind, always offering an excuse.

The self-perceptions

Mike's view of himself changes with his circumstances. When he has a job and pays his car payment, he's a responsible adult. When he rented an apartment, that proved it too—but living at home doesn't count. He shifts his standard depending on what suits him.

He also calls himself "just a kid" when it's useful. He's trying to figure out what he wants in life, still in school (albeit slowly). Being a kid gives him permission to mess up and never finish anything.

He knows his peers are living as adults. But he sees himself as a free spirit, even "an anarchist," refusing to adapt because conformity isn't him. He believes the world wants to stifle him, that authorities and life treat him unfairly. They don't give him credit for being the adult he claims to be. He resents this and wonders why nobody respects him.

His mother justifies her support by saying she won't let her kid sleep on the street. She believes she'll always be his mother, that he's just a kid figuring out his life. She's sure he'll grow out of it. Someday he'll become responsible and appreciate her patience and care.

The reality

At 25, Mike is an adult only by age. Emotionally he never made the jump from teenager to adult, and in some ways he's moved backward. He doesn't live in the real world. His pants sag, and he still dresses like a high school senior.

He's lazy, a procrastinator, and has little self-respect, though he'd deny it. He lies regularly, and he's learned exactly what his mother wants to hear—and tells her those things often.

Excellence isn't even on his radar. Mediocrity would be a huge step up. He has no goals for tomorrow, let alone next year or ten years ahead.

He thinks employers are threatened by his talent and won't give him chances. The truth is simpler: they're annoyed with him. He won't get opportunities because he doesn't take responsibility.

He's become a joke. Nobody believes his excuses anymore, but they don't challenge them either. Mike thinks he's getting away with something.

He's not an anarchist. He couldn't live that way. He expects employers to pay him, banks to protect his money, and law enforcement to keep him safe. It's just an excuse to avoid his duties and ignore other people. It's laziness dressed up as ideology, a way to keep his bad-boy image intact.

He's right that nobody trusts or respects him. He's given them no reason to. He expects respect simply for existing, not for earning it through accomplishments or character.

Most of his high school classmates have college degrees, started careers, married, had kids. His remaining close friends all live on their parents' dime, dodging responsibility for their actions and futures.

His newer friends are 18 or 19. Mike likes being the experienced guy, the mentor. He tells himself he's "introducing them to things they'll do anyway" and that he controls the environment. It's how he justifies passing along his bad habits.

He corrupts them hoping to feel less bad about himself and to earn their admiration. These kids eventually drift away. They realize Mike isn't a cool older guy who likes them. He's just someone who never grew up.

Mike listens to alternative music that matches his worldview: society has rejected him, he's a victim of external forces like government, media, corporations, parents. He doesn't notice that the musicians he calls "fellow anarchists" are now 35 and still saying the same things they said at 17.

The music, some drugs, late nights with his friends—these justify his lifestyle. It troubles him, but it's the only life he knows.

In Mike's head, people believe his stories. Actually they listen and laugh later. In his world, everything's cool, he's groovy, and he's waiting for his ship to come in.

He's decided family will always be there, so he can use and abuse them however he wants. But if they abandoned him, he'd blame them for it.

The real problem

Parent birds push their young out of the nest for a reason. Baby birds are often too scared to jump on their own. Without that push, they won't develop the wing strength they need, especially as they grow heavier. The same applies to humans.

Mike won't grow if he always has a comfort zone to return to. A marriage would likely mean Mike, his wife, and their kids all living in his parents' house. He can't support himself, so he couldn't support a family.

Marriage isn't a real possibility anyway. Mike is self-centered, arrogant without reason, rude, and egotistical. Most women don't choose to marry and support a man.

Without realizing it, his mother is teaching Mike that verbal abuse is acceptable, that there's always a safety net, and that bad behavior has no consequences. She's trying to help him. Instead, she's setting him up to fail.

Mike's problem has become his mother's problem, and it's affecting the whole family. At 25, he's fully capable of supporting himself. But whenever she mentions it, he says he can't finish college if he works full-time. She believes him and doesn't want to prevent him from graduating.

Everyone has finite resources. Supporting a grown adult depletes her energy and the family's money. Mike shows her no respect and uses her. She feels frustrated and violated in her own home. Constant worry about Mike also strains her marriage.

His sisters see his lifestyle and don't realize the cost. Doing whatever you want, playing with friends all night, sleeping all day—none of this leads to a healthy, successful life.

The consequences

If nothing changes, it will only get worse. Someone has to act, and it won't be Mike.

Mike is on a path of self-destruction. People don't suddenly wake up to reality at 25, 27, or 30. He won't have a sudden change of heart in the next few years, get a haircut, pull up his pants, go back to school, or become responsible.

He's comfortable with his life and has no reason to change. He's lazy. He has big dreams and plans, but they shift constantly. He prefers to sleep in rather than pursue them.

Mike recognizes something is wrong. He feels conflicted, sees time passing, and feels powerless to change. He comes up with idea after idea and sometimes takes the first step. But the path always seems long and hard, and there's always another, easier dream around the corner.

He lacks self-discipline and is essentially a 17-year-old boy in a 25-year-old man's body. The question is whether in ten years he'll be an 18-year-old boy in a 35-year-old man's body.

The solution

Tough love is hard and scary. It means taking risks and facing the possibility of failure. But failure is the privilege of those who actually try.

Mike needs to move out on his own. If he won't, someone needs to make it happen.

Mike needs to be treated like the adult he claims to be, even though he doesn't act like one. He complains nobody treats him as an adult, and he's often right. But an adult gets a job, supports himself, doesn't run home to his mother, doesn't raid her refrigerator, doesn't ask her to do his laundry or clean up after him or solve his problems.

When Mike loses his safety net and his lifestyle support, he'll try many tactics. Indifference, dismissal, outright rejection, yelling, swearing, anger. He might declare that his parents have given up on him or that they'll never see him again. He'll keep testing for weakness.

If those fail, he'll recruit relatives for help. He's in survival mode. He might ask sisters, grandparents, aunts, and uncles to fix this for him.

Whatever happens, Mike needs to leave and let events unfold. This will be especially hard for his mother. He'll likely be gone for a while, and his parents have to let that happen without stepping in.

Mike needs to find his independence and think for himself. It will take time. Meanwhile, his parents need to step back. They have to stay firm, but they can't be cruel or spiteful. They'll need to keep their composure as Mike lashes out.

That doesn't mean they have to accept abuse or listen to lies. They should respond calmly and thoughtfully. This isn't about them, even though Mike will try to make it seem that way.

Getting Mike out and reclaiming your life

Getting Mike to leave is the first priority and the hardest part. It's also the first step toward reclaiming your own life.

If Mike is already planning to move out in the next few weeks, that's the easiest approach. Once he leaves, don't let him return. His parents should convert his bedroom into a home office, a den, or something else. This removes the temptation to let him move back in.

If Mike hasn't made plans, it's time to talk about this transition. As an adult, he needs to live independently. He should find his own apartment and handle the responsibilities that come with it.

Mike will argue, bargain, threaten, or throw a tantrum. His parents will feel tempted to relent, maybe even think things will change. They have to stick to the plan. Any compromise would be temporary and would just reinforce the old pattern. Mike has to move out.

Set a reasonable deadline—one month, for example. Even broke, he can find a roommate and scrape together rent in a month. He'll have to do it every month going forward, so why not start now?

While waiting for him to leave, his parents need to re-establish clear household rules. All adults living in the house need to agree on the approach.

Reestablish the boundaries

Household expectations need to be clear and apply to everyone without exception. A parent's job is to raise kids, teach them responsibility, and care for them. It's not to tolerate bad behavior, clean up after them, or continue raising them as adults.

Here are some guidelines to consider:

Set a household curfew. If Mike doesn't follow it, install a deadbolt and lock the doors at that time.

Friends must leave by 10 PM. Everyone is responsible for their own mess.

All adults over 18 who aren't in school should contribute to household expenses weekly. Start with $50 per week.

Everyone has chores. They must be done before going out—no exceptions, including laundry.

No TV, video games, phone, or computer until chores are done and the mess is cleaned up.

These are reasonable rules that separate a home from a hotel. If Mike doesn't like them, calmly tell him his alternative is to live somewhere else.

Does Mike live at your house?

If Mike's story sounds familiar, take a hard look at what's happening in your family and your life. You love your child. But that doesn't give them the right to show up whenever they want, disrupt your home, and make you miserable.

You wouldn't accept that from another adult. Don't do your adult child the disservice of allowing it.

It also takes away your own power over your life and your home. When you give him that power, it helps neither of you.

Mike also needs to learn how to handle life's setbacks and take responsibility for his mistakes. If he doesn't learn now, it becomes much harder later.

It's hard to let go and harder to push them out the door. But it's better to do it now than to watch life hit them later.